


Crash and Burn

by theoffbeatdrum



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, i love joonmyun i swear, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 15:45:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8291356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoffbeatdrum/pseuds/theoffbeatdrum
Summary: Joonmyun likes to think he's the kind of leader that is like a brother and a friend to the younger ones.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://theoffbeatdrum.livejournal.com/3150.html)

Joonmyun likes to think he's the kind of leader that is like a brother and a friend to the younger ones. Someone dependable and for them to look up to, something like a solid shore, a beacon of light in the dark, rocky ocean that is being a kpop idol; all the clichés.  
  
That's why he's surprised when he becomes aware that he is screaming at Sehun who is sitting across from him with his head lowered, staring at his feet and trying to shrink into himself. Joonmyun catches himself in the middle of his sentence, a half formed word on his tongue, and realizes that he is over his limit. There is one thing he had promised he would never do, no matter how tired or frustrated or annoyed he was, and that is yelling at his members. Hearing himself go off like that to Sehun of all people stuns him silent and all Joonmyun wants is to take back everything he has said in the last few minutes, to do anything to fix anything he might have, is sure to have, broken. The flush of anger had gone from his face, was replaced by the flush of embarrassment of being witnessed going so far over his edges, too far to still be able to lean back into safety. All he can do right now is escape, get away from this trainwreck of a situation, where he is the wind that blew the branches of words on the rails causing Sehun to crash and burn. Or is he the one that crashed?  
  
He storms out of the room, not really sure where he's headed but needing to get away, away, away from the images that are flooding back to the forefront of his mind. The sensation of lashing an arm out at the youngest when he tried to placate him at first, the pained look in those young eyes; screaming over the warning tone of the only one older than him, shoving someone backwards, too many pairs of eyes.  
There's not many places he can go, the roof the only thing coming to mind right now. He flies up the stairs, wrenches the door open and stalks out into the cold air. He feels the cold sting his eyes, his face, isn't dressed warmly enough for this but sinks down on his knees. The roof feels icy beneath his palms when he falls down on them, feels the air bite in his lungs, shallow breathes, too fast.  
  
He startles when there's a soft touch on his back, a coat draped over him and he opens his eyes to a pair of feet. A soft voice crooning his name, laced with more warmth than he himself has, with more understanding than he could muster. A fresh wave of embarrassment and guilt hits him and it has him heaving, wretching, wanting to rid himself of whatever came over him but nothing feels better now that his stomach is as empty as the eyes of his reflection. Jongdae had stepped aside, is next to him now and his hand is slowly rubbing circles on his back, murmuring soft words that Joonmyun can't make out.  
  
They avoid him the next day, step around him like they're afraid he'll snap. Joonmyun doesn't mind, is too disappointed in himself to face anyone. He had mumbled an apology at large when he was brought back inside, didn't have the energy in him for more than a dreamless sleep. He could feel eyes on him during breakfast, could feel the questions burning in the silence. Jongdae tried to free the tension, talking about the show tonight, the red carpet beforehand, and all Joonmyun could think of was how he was supposed to be an idol, a leader, when he can't even pretend to smile without his eyes filling with tears.  
  
He ends up on the red carpet with just Jongdae, who coaxed him through it telling him to keep smiling, just like that hyung, it's almost done, just a bit longer. And it's surprisingly easy to fall back to the routine of Suho who is so used to smiling when Joonmyun can't, who stares straight into lenses and eyes when Joonmyun would cower and crumble. Suho takes the lead when the others join the two, goes through the motions and somehow ends up alone with Sehun. Sehun, who looks like he hasn't slept much and who looks around for something to do, an excuse. It's Suho who takes his hand and catches his weary eyes, but it's Joonmyun who hurts when he flinches slightly and it's Joonmyun who stammers, an apology, and another, knowing it is not enough. Sehun's eyes are guarded when he glances at him, tells him they'll talk afterwards, let's do the show first. Joonmyun drops his hand and Suho nods and agrees.  
  
They win some award. Suho's voice breaks during his rehearsed speech, Joonmyun's tears threatening to spill. It's too much, too much to stand here in front of so many eyes, pretending his heart isn't torn into pieces. He can't do much now, but Suho smiles wide and big as he wraps an arm around Baekhyun, who smiles back but there is a distance in his eyes, a disappointment lingering. Joonmyun leaves the stage and Suho fills in every gap, finds every camera and smiles and smiles and smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. inspired by [this](http://mynameisesther.tumblr.com/post/135603174480) gifset (and [this](http://i.imgur.com/8tGaLra.jpg) and [this](http://i.imgur.com/qzdCidk.png) and [this](http://cfile1.uf.tistory.com/image/2776C2445661730E08EF02) pic)  
> 2\. the show mentioned is MAMA 2015 which is where the pics above are from i cant remember if i made up the part about only joonmyun and jongdae on a red carpet or if that happened for real it's been almost a year  
> 3\. why do i always write him so sad ;;


End file.
